Grief

This morning I feel Grief. Pain. Sadness. Emptiness. Sorrow.

If I were a writer, the confusion that started last night would have somehow foreshadowed the horrible news we would receive later. Aaron had some problem at work, and the phone calls started around 10 at night. There was something he had to fix, something that made people call him repeatedly until well past midnight. I dozed in and out of sleep hoping Aaron would finally be able to get some rest. But the last phone call that came was one that you just don't ever want to get. After that phone call, no more calls came.

It was Aaron's dad. I could tell, even in my state of sleep, that this phone call was different. I just heard snippets of his conversation. "Hi dad...no...we'll hug them tight...love you." When Aaron got back to bed, I asked him if everything was alright. He said no. Our sweet nephew and cousin, Josh, had returned home to Heavenly Father. Quite unexpectedly, his lungs just wouldn't or couldn't breathe one more breath.

That is the kind of news that you never want to hear. That kind of news keeps you up at night. Wondering why. Trying to come to terms with something that big is very difficult. Over and over again I kept asking questions in my mind. Why did this happen? What will we do? Will we be able to get past this? How can we find peace? What can we do for others in our family? Why was he not granted more time on this earth?

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know He is aware of our grief and our pain. I know that somehow this was part of His plan. It doesn't make sense right now, but maybe in time it will. I know Josh is home now, encircled in the arms of his Heavenly Father and others who have gone before him. I know he will be protected and watched over from the other side of the veil. And I know we will see him again.

But whatever measure of peace that brings, it still does not diminish the grief and the loss I feel. Most of all, I grieve for Steve and Mindy, Josh's parents. I simply can't imagine the amount of pain you'd feel in losing a child. Even though you know that Josh is now moving on to work that is bigger and better than what he could do here, it does not take away the sorrow or pain. I grieve for them and with them. I wish there was something I could do to lessen their pain. I have been constantly thinking and praying for them.

I grieve for Michael, Josh's twin brother. You never talked about Josh without talking about Michael in the same sentence. It was always Michael and Josh, or Josh and Michael, or just "the twins" or "the boys". They were partners in everything during their nearly 4 years together, and they brought so much joy to everyone around them. Those two were inseparable in this life and I have no doubt that their spirits are still connected.

I grieve for and with Josh's grandparents. I know how much they all loved him and were devoted to showing him that love. I know how often they worried about him and prayed for him. I grieve with the rest of Aaron's family. With all the aunts, uncles, cousins, and extended family that are struggling to come to terms with this. I grieve with the preschool teachers and ward members and everyone else who was touched by Josh's light.

I keep thinking that maybe Josh's spirit was just too big to be contained in his body here. Perhaps now, without earthly limitations, he is free to accomplish whatever he needs to. I feel some measure of peace in imagining him being encircled in his Heavenly Father's arms and being welcomed home by family and loved ones.

I know in time those thoughts will ring more true and bring more peace than they do today. Because today, I feel Grief. Sorrow. Pain. Emptiness. Sadness. I grieve the loss we all feel in knowing we will no longer be able to share in Josh's smile, in his mischievousness, in his contagious laughter, in his sweetness and pureness. We all love Josh so much.

So hug your loved ones a little tighter today, and remember what is truly important in this life. And if you could, say a little prayer for Steve and Mindy Hansen and their family.

This is Josh "mooing" with the bulls just a couple weeks ago.

The Hansen family