I'm not sure exactly who reads this blog, so I don't know who to apologize to. But sometimes I just ramble away and pretend like this is my own little online journal. I guess that's one of its intended purposes. So I apologize if I get a little carried away with my own musings. I just know if I don't put it here, it probably won't get put anywhere. But just a warning that a whining blog entry may be coming your way.
Anyway, I've come to a realization about myself. I guess it's not a realization, I've always known it. But sometimes it just comes up and slaps me in the face. The realization is this: I don't like to do things I'm not good at. I'll give it the ol' college try and if I can't feel myself becoming better or excelling in some way, I give up. I'm a bit of a wimp that way. The hard part is that sometimes I feel like giving up, but realistically, I just can't. Take cooking, for instance.
It's not to much of a stretch to say there is much to be desired when it comes to my cooking. I am not great at it. Not really very good, even. But it's something that has to be done. So I do it. Sporadically. Like maybe once a week. My mom was an excellent cook, and I'm sure she taught me how to do it. But it's something I don't excel at, so I avoid it whenever possible.
Yesterday I made salsa. It didn't turn out well. It's OK, but not great. I think I may have used the 1/3 measuring cup instead of 1/4, but that's beside the point. I'm disappointed because I spent all day making it, and have a horribly messy kitchen, and just sub-par salsa to show for it. So, I'm sure I'll never can salsa again, because it didn't turn out well. I put so much time and money and patience and learning into this dang salsa, and it really wasn't great. In my mind, I failed. So I don't want to try again, because I have this fear of failure. I'm frustrated by it. I don't like to fail.
My life is pretty much the same way. I'm afraid to start new friendships, because what if something happens, and we end up hating each other? I'm afraid to try new sports because I'm afraid of being embarrassed, or embarrassing others. There are some crafty things I know I will never attempt, because I'm afraid of investing so much time and money to create something that looks like crap.
As I look back on my life, this is not a new trend. I've shied away from many things that could have been good experiences, but I was so afraid of failure, that I just never attempted them. I remember in sixth grade I was given an assignment in science. My brain doesn't quite grasp science. I really was horrible at it, but it was something I had to do. So in sixth grade, I actually tried to sneak the teacher's manual from a bookshelf so I could get the answers to finish my assignment. My plot was foiled when the teacher walked into the room. I'm sure I finished the assignment, and I remember how awful I felt for trying to cheat. But my drive to succeed was so much greater, that I guess in that moment, I didn't care. Cheating was worth it if it meant I could do well on the assignment. I really didn't want to fail. The good part of that story is I vowed to never cheat in school like that again.
So there is one of my weaknesses. I need to learn to get over it. I found this quote from years ago in the Ensign:
" In fact, mistakes are not only an acceptable part of life, but they may even be beneficial. The intelligent use of our mistakes helps us learn and grow; past failures may be guideposts to future successes. But our failures and mistakes can be constructive only if we analyze them, gain what profit we can from them, and then forget them" (Kenneth L. Higbee).
I know we learn from failures and mistakes, but I sure don't like to have them in the first place. Maybe I ought to go out and try something really crazy; something I know I won't be good at, just to learn it's OK to fail. Boxing maybe? Anyone want to join me?
6 comments:
I know I'm my own worst critic in the kitchen. Send me some salsa to taste test, I bet it isn't bad at all :)
You know Meg, I don't know about boxing because you would kick the crap out of me but.. Maybee take up Mt.biking or picture framing.. So that you can at least play with us while your trying to fail. The truth is Meg is that you are good at just about everything. I remember that picture that you drew of the Mesa temple and almost threw away. It was good.. But not perfect.. You see I am what they call a settler.. I settle for anything and am not good at most. You my dear are a perfectionist. I'm sure that anyone that reads this blog will agree with me! You are amazing!
i understand what you mean. but i know you, and you are probably the coolest person i do know. and i really mean that. i've been trying to teach my kids this: you are successful if you are kind, and willing to help others. that is what matters. not how good your salsa is. although i'm sure it is good. even if it isn't fantastic, you totally made salsa! give yourself credit for the journey, ya know.
yeah, i get this. also, good job keeping this on here. unlike some people who blog late at night while they're feeling blue, and then wake up the next morning, read what they wrote, are incredibly embarrassed, and delete the whole thing! ;)
I hear you on this post. I feel the same way a lot of the time, except I don't think I learn from my mistakes, I just keep making them over and over.
I agree with Brendon's post. You are awesome.
Megan lets be honest, I know you don't like to rub in the fact that you are way better than me but you sure do a good job. Plus at least your past the first step of one of your only flaws, recognition. The next step though is the hardest, elimination.
Post a Comment