A rambley one

First of all, is rambley a word? Probably not.

Second of all, blogger changed all its formatting stuff and I can't figure out how to get my dang header centered. So until I do, pretend like it's supposed to be that way, mmmkay?

So I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. We have been doing things, I've just been a little too lazy to post about them. But I'm trying to be better. Maybe. ...Not making any promises.


It's not Thursday, so no Thursday Thought, but I have been thinking about something. Maddie and I have been butting heads recently. Recently, as in, most of her life. She is little Miss Independent. She has to do things her way or no way. It has to be on her terms, or no one's. Of course, since she's four years old, she knows how to do everything. She knows the right way to do it and she doesn't need help from anyone, ever. At least she's cute, right?
Anyway, I'm struggling with how to parent her and how to teach her because she's just so difficult to interact with. I'll try to teach her something, and she responds with, "I KNOW!" Time outs don't seem to phase her, taking away privileges doesn't seem to work. I don't know how to reach her. She is SO darn stubborn! If she would just let me help her, I think it would make both of our lives easier. And I think I might grow to love and understand her more because she'd be letting me serve her.

Jump to this past weekend. It was the ward camp out. We camped about 45 minutes away in a beautiful campground. It was a great weekend. I was in charge of most of the festivities which was fine. Except then Aaron got sick. And he couldn't help. He drove up and dropped stuff off, then went home to rest. Which would have been fine, except for trying to do everything, and having Parks and Maddie not in the best of form. Parks got a sick stomach, Maddie was whining/crying/screaming because some boy hit her with a branch. And I'm trying to gather up everyone in the ward for a special program. Anyway, it wasn't working too well.

We made it past the program, and the camping weekend was nearly over. I was getting ready to go, packing up the tent, etc. As I'm doing so, two teen-aged sisters showed up and started helping me pack. I assured them I was OK and I could do it on my own. I didn't want to bother them, it was fine. They insisted that they had nothing better to do. They WANTED to help. I told them again I was OK. Everything was fine. I could do it myself. One of them responded, "You're making it pretty difficult for me to help, but I'm going to do it anyway."

That kind of took me by surprise. Then I started thinking, that maybe I was being just as stubborn as little Maddie. I put off their offers to help, mostly because I didn't want to be a bother. But I WAS being just as stubborn as Maddie. I told those girls I could do it myself. And yes, I could have. BUT, if I didn't let them help, I'd miss out on an opportunity to let them serve me. AND, I would have missed out on an opportunity to grow as well. Because in letting them serve me, I grew closer to them and had a greater amount of respect for them. And it really did help me to let them help.

So the "a-ha!" moment for me was in realizing that we need each other in this life. We need to, in humility, allow others to help and serve us. And we also need to do the same for others. It's the way it's supposed to be. And as much as I'd like to think that I can do everything on my own, sometimes it is SO much easier and nicer to have that help. Now, learning to ask for help, that's another problem altogether. My four-year-old certainly isn't there, and after 31 years on this earth, I'm not much closer either.

Alright, I found one quick quote that goes along with this. Marjorie Pay Hinckley said this:

“Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young. And, hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old... We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other.”

Virginia H. Pearce, ed., Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley (1999), 254–5

Thursday Thought

These past couple of weeks we've spent a lot of time together as a family. A lot. Did I mention a lot? It was nice for awhile, but I think we're starting to get a bit snippity and unfriendly toward one another. It's not really how I imagined my glorious life as a stay-at-home-mom would be. I'm not the perfect mom or wife. Sometimes it's all I can do to make it through the day. But I do love my kids and hopefully as they grow up, they'll come to understand that a little more.

Anyway, a couple days ago I bought Cherie Call's latest CD, "Grace". I'm usually not a fan of Mormon music artists. In fact they kind of bug me. It seems like they're either trying to show off their amazingly gifted voices, or they totally butcher hymns. But I really genuinely like Cherie Call. She's able to put a voice to some of the same thoughts and feelings I've had.

One of the songs on her new CD just spoke to me. Deep down it's how I really feel about my children and my family. I tried to embed the song to this post but couldn't make it work. So below the lyrics, there's a link where you can listen to a sample or purchase the song.

The song is called "Walk You Through the Night":

I don't have eyes in the back of my head
I don't wear bright red knee high boots or a leotard with an "S"
And I only have five senses, the sixth one's never there
When I don't know why you're crying and I have to guess
I see you're having trouble sleeping, so am I
I've been hoping I know how to raise you right
I can't cast a magic spell, but I can take you for a trip around the block
Rest your head now while I hold you tight
And I will walk you through the night

As we walk beneath the sparkling stars
Your body's getting heavier, you're finally giving in
And my mind slips through the future, to the troubles you could have
And I don't know how to fix them, I just have to guess
You are bound to have some nightmares, so am I
But you can count on me to hold you when you cry
I can't take it all away
But I can tell you I've been down this road before
I can't promise that I'll always get it right
But I will walk you through the night

And if it's raining, I will drive you
And if it's late at night, I don't care what time you call
I may not be the best at very many things
But I believe I love you perfectly

Times go by so relentlessly
I hope that you outlive me, that's how it's meant to be
And I believe in Heaven, but there are still some things
That I just can't fully fathom, I just have to guess
If God will grant my wish, I will wait for you
Beyond the veil just before you slip through
And as you softly close your eyes
I will sing my lullabies to you
And before you make your way into the light
I will walk you through the night
-------------------------------------------
Go here to listen to a sample of this song. And here if you'd like to purchase it. It's song #6, although the whole album is worth purchasing.

Thursday Thought

President Monson shared this thought about motherhood that was given by President Benson in 1987:

“Thinking of the example of his own mother and that of his beloved and faithful wife, Flora, President Benson has offered ten specific suggestions for mothers as they guide their precious children:

1. Take time to always be at the crossroads in the lives of your children, whether they be six or sixteen.

2. Take time to be a real friend to your children.

3. Take time to read to your children. Remember what the poet wrote:

You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be—
I had a mother who read to me.

4. Take time to pray with your children.

5. Take time to have a meaningful weekly home evening. Make this one of your great family traditions.

6. Take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible.

7. Take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family.

8. Take time to do things together as a family.

9. Take time to teach your children.

10. Take time to truly love your children. A mother’s unqualified love approaches Christlike love.

Though President Benson has addressed these suggestions primarily to mothers, I am confident he would expect those of us who are men and fathers bearing the holy priesthood to do our part, along with each son and daughter, to implement them and bring to fruition their divine objectives."

Thomas S. Monson, “Memories of Yesterday, Counsel for Today,” Ensign, May 1992, 4

Thursday Thought

Today I'm working on patience. I have a toddler that insists on throwing tantrums. Regularly. As in, several times a day. I've tried yelling, screaming, and reasoning with her. Nothing seems to work. So perhaps I just need to be a little more patient; a little more Christlike. As Elder Robert C. Oaks says:

...“charity suffereth long.” That is what patience is all about. Charity “is not easily provoked” is another aspect of this quality, as is charity “beareth all things.” And finally, charity “endureth all things” is certainly an expression of patience (Moroni 7:45). From these defining elements it is evident that without patience gracing our soul, we would be seriously lacking with respect to a Christlike character." Robert C. Oaks, “The Power of Patience,” Ensign, Nov 2006, 15–17

I am seriously lacking in patience lately and "easily provoked" describes me to a tee. I know if I were more Christlike, I'd just love my little girl until she just couldn't or wouldn't want to scream anymore. Most days it's not so easy, but I'm trying to have a change of heart. Patience is difficult to come by around here, but I think it's worth working for.

Thursday Thought

Late again. Maybe I should change this to Friday Thought. That would probably be more accurate.

Today's thought is a good one for me since it makes me feel guilty in a good way...in a way that will hopefully motivate me to change. It is far too easy for me to sit around in my pj's all day. It requires a lot less effort, but I wonder what that is teaching my children. So this thought is one I really need to hear, but not one that I really enjoy hearing. Anyway, here it is:

"A mother has far greater influence on her children than anyone else, and she must realize that every word she speaks, every act, every response, her attitude, even her appearance and manner of dress affect the lives of her children and the whole family. It is while the child is in the home that he gains from his mother the attitudes, hopes, and beliefs that will determine the kind of life he will live and the contribution he will make to society." - N. Eldon Tanner, “No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role,” New Era, Jan 1977, 31

I don't know about you, but I often forget how important my role is in my children's lives. So I'm going to try harder, at least for today. One step at a time, right?

Thursday Thought

Today's thought is one I keep next to my computer and look at often. Because all too often, I have the "bad mom" kind of days. The days where I would rather be doing anything but taking care of children and cleaning up after them. There are days I feel like my children might be better off at a day care, because I'm not giving them what they need. I think all moms have those kind of days. But then the next day is better and I find myself thinking that I'm OK at this mom business. Anyway, this quote from Elder Ballard's talk in the April 2008 Conference has really stuck with me:

"What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else" M. Russell Ballard, “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10.

This is a continual struggle for me. I do love my children deeply, but it's hard for me to accept that their needs sometimes come before my own; that they are my first priority. But each day I keep trying. Some days are better than others, but I keep trying. I guess that's what really matters.

On being a parent

Yesterday was one of "those" days. The kind you don't really want to repeat...ever. After thinking about yesterday, I've come to some conclusions:

I love my kids. But sometimes I don't love being a parent.

I love that Maddie is potty training. But I don't love when she smears #2 all over the bathroom (or the neighbor's bathroom- yes, that did actually happen).

I love that my kids know how to communicate. I don't love it when they scream, whine, and yell at me or at each other.

I love that I'm able to stay home with my kids. I don't love wandering around the house all day wondering what to do with the time.

I love that my kids have plenty of books, toys, and videos to play with. I don't love picking them up from every room of the house.

I love that we always have food to put on the table. I don't love when no one eats the food that's been prepared.

I love that I have cupboards and cabinets. I don't love that the doors of said cabinets just might fall off when slammed with significant force.

I love love love my kids. But learning to love the other stuff? I'm not sure I ever will.

Something to work on

I thoroughly enjoyed this past conference. Perhaps the most memorable message for me was this talk by Elder Ballard entitled "Daughters of God". It was exactly what I needed to hear at this time in my life. I think I need to plaster it onto my walls so I read it every day. I'm sure it rang true for many mothers, but it gave me the strength to keep plugging away and to change some things in my life.

One of the quotes that stood out to me was this one:

"I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes. "

That hit me hard. I do believe I have not spent as much time enjoying the time I have with my children, as I have wishing this time would be over faster. It certainly puts things into perspective to think I'll only have my children in my home for 1/4 of my life. This is my season to be a mother and to love and nurture them. So I've determined to enjoy it more; to celebrate the little things and to make sure my children are taught what they need to learn before they are gone.

I also enjoyed this quote:

"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: 'The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less'(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11)."

This is exactly what I'm like. I live for nap times, then I struggle through the next hours until bedtime. I always seem to be in a hurry to get on to the next thing. I'm sure most moms are. It's tough work, and it seems there isn't nearly enough "me" time in the day. So, I've determined to enjoy "the doing" a little more.


So, in an effort to help me realize there are some good moments in parenthood, here are some things I really enjoy doing with my children:

Reading. Even the same book over and over. It's so nice to have them sit on your lap and soak in a good book

Singing. We love to make up silly songs, or to put silly words in songs. One of our favorites is: "Heeeeeeeeey-ey-ey baby, I wanna know-ow-ow, if you'll be my....chicken (insert other assorted animal here).

Playing outside. It's so nice to let them run free and explore and use their imaginations. I can't wait until it's warm so we can get outside more.

Creating. We love to make cards, color pictures, paint, draw with chalk, or play with play dough. Good times.

Pretending. Parks loves to pretend that I'm a Grandma or a farmer or something. He loves to drive to our house on his bike and say, "Hey Grandma. I'm here."

Dancing. We have good times dancing to crazy music. Here's a little ditty we whipped up a couple weeks ago. I'm not really sure what happened to Maddie's pants:

So I'm determined to enjoy motherhood more. I know it is a divinely appointed role and I'll try a little harder to enjoy my children right now. I love them and I really am blessed to have them in my life.

Remind me of that tomorrow, when I step in one of the numerous puddles Parks made on the living room floor today in an effort to get rid of his water so he could have Gatorade. I love these moments, I love these moments, I love these moments. :)

I'm living the life

The single mom life that is. I'm gaining a whole new respect for single moms. I honestly don't know how they do it. I'm sure you do what you have to do, but I certainly couldn't do it. At least not voluntarily.

For nearly a year now, Aaron has been working long hours. I know compared to some, his hours are not outrageous. But for the past year he's been working at least 10-12 hour days. I appreciated the couple of hours he was home with the family before bedtime. I looked forward to it, the kids looked forward to it.

Aaron's been working on a project during this past year. I still don't totally understand the ins and outs of it, but they're implementing some new type of applications software or something. I dunno. But lately he's been working 14-15 hour days. Last night, he just never came home. He worked a full 24 hours, came home and slept maybe 2 hours and was back at it. I have finally accepted the fact that I may not see him for at least the next week or so.

I have tried to be patient and understanding, but I'm not feeling much of either one right now. My emotions have ranged from being very angry, to complacent, to frustrated. I have come to realize how much I depend on him and how much I need him around. Not only for my sake, but for the kids' sake as well. He is such a good father and husband and I miss not having someone around to talk with and joke with, and to just share burdens and joys of being a parent. Can I just say, I'm counting down the days until we can have a dad and husband again? That would make me very happy. But until then, I'm sure I'll manage the life of a single mom...if I have to. ;)